Personally, I never thought I would be coping with choices and actions. Although, I figured I would eventually cope with loss, pain, fear, and all the typical emotions and experiences life brings to us, I never thought I would be coping with the deliberate, negligent, and selfish actions of somebody that was supposed to love me. This felt like a different kind of coping almost torturous and even, to some degree, unnecessary.
Up until this point I had comfortably settled with the decision to achieve perfection. You know, be a good person, make good choices, be successful in all the right ways.. the usual. So to be blindsided and realize that perfection was no longer attainable was overwhelming to me. Looking back now, I realize that striving for perfection was, in fact, the reason this was happening to me in the first place. Striving for perfection is what made me vulnerable. The same things could have happened to anybody – people lie, people change, and life goes on – but I had so long ignored that I too was part of this odd world where, sometimes, bad things happen. In fact, I had so long imagined that I was distinctly separated from anything bad that I had suffered through my (very obvious) problems in sheer oblivion and when I was finally forced to confront one it felt like a storm of years past had finally come to shore.
Even as I write this, I feel that… I feel that my emotions are irrational and over the top. Why reminisce on years (or days or hours… or minutes or seconds) of poor judgment? So as I sit her writing I constantly have to remind myself that poor judgment is human nature, even if I don’t necessarily believe it. To stop writing now would be yet another attempt to achieve perfection – for how could a transcript of flaws and faux pas be a representation of accomplishment? I don’t know the answer.
Then I acknowledge this other part of me, a more secret part of me, one that recognizes I never wanted perfection in the first place. When I shed the anxiety and fear of what “might” happen if something went wrong I realize that sometimes the thing that went “wrong” turned out to be the only things that was right.
Luckily, the very nature of perfection signifies that you only have one shot at it, when its gone its gone. So for me, it is comforting to realize that I will never have to encounter the beast of perfection again. I am an imperfect being, in all my glory.
So, I found that I was on a journey, not to find my perfect but instead a journey to find my best, my worst, and everything in between.